This is just another goodbye....or maybe just "see ya' later"

I won't be posting for a while, as I will be leaving my friends house ; thus my internet access becomes limited.
But, I will be sure to update when I get the chance... Only 5 more months until I move up to school and get settled into another life...

The joy of change, and a second chance.


Goodbye for now

B

I Guess We Could Call that a Vacation....

Wow.
It has been exactly 7 months since I last posted. I feel a bit bad for not keeping up with my blog, but life came around the corner at full tilt and I haven't had time to catch my breath until now.

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I shall update on the things that have happened over the past 7 months.

August: I don't remember much about the rest of August.
- I had a number of interviews and finally got hired as a Personal Support Worker.

September: September was dreary, but I tried to make the most of it with hopes that my new job would create a light at the end of the tunnel.
- As the rush of a new school year started for some, I sat wishing I hadn't missed out on yet another chance...but count my blessings one by one, because I would later come to realize that everything happens for a reason.

October: Halloween!
- I did not celebrate Halloween this year, instead I bought a few bags of candy and went home. I may have even worked that night.
- started to see my family regularly; coffee on Sundays, lunch on Saturdays, and a dinner in between. A refreshing change that made my heart full. I don't know why I ever let time get in the way of me and my family.

(Somewhere between October and November I applied for school)

November:  A month before December...
- November always makes me giddy for Christmas, but this year it was just another ordinary month... I didn't decorate. Although I did listen to Christmas music... but that's about as Christmas-y as I got.
- My boyfriend and I started looking at options for next September.

December: Christmas!
- celebrated my love's birthday
- started getting plans in place for a BIG step : moving back to my parents and away from my boyfriend (I will explain in further detail)
- Moving week!

January: Happy New Year
- I worked on New Years Eve - like the EVE of New Years... so I didn't get to toot a little horn or throw confetti. I just read a book. Hurrah.
- I was now living at my parents, proving to be a true test in a relationship of almost three years.
- Celebrated my nieces 5th Birthday, as well as my mother's and my own!
- also got a second job, shortly after left my other job to focus on the new job; better hours = better paycheck!

February: Love Month
- nothing overly special happened to me.
- celebrated more birthdays, and an anniversary with my family
- work, work work.

And that brings us to now.....

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So even though it doesn't seem like a whole lot has gone on in the past few months, there has been a ton of changes in my life - personally, mentally, physically.

One of the biggest changes has been, moving out of my own place with my boyfriend, back to my parents house ( he, to his parents house). After about two years of living together, we decided that it would benefit us to move back to our parents and start saving money for school, and get things in order to make our future better, because lets face it... two years of struggling financially, and physically is hard on a relationship, and the people in it.
So, we took the plunge... opposite of what most couples do. We planned our move around the Christmas holidays, as we would be visiting his family; He would stay there after the festivities, and I would continue on to move into my parents house and finish celebrating Christmas there.
At first, it didn't really seem real, just felt like we were both visiting our families for a time, and we would go back to our apartment and be reunited again. So the first couple weeks, for me, were easy.... not so much for him, which made me feel bad because I felt like I should have been having a hard time with it..
I guess that is just the way that things went though. I was ready for something like this, because I knew it would better everything. He, even knowing the benefits, didn't want to face the time it takes to get there.

Fast Forward to now.
I have been living at my parents for, officially 3 months! It has been great for me, and great for my family.
As has it been for my boyfriend, in different ways. As far as myself, I have become, not only healthier physically, but mentally as well. I am no longer searching for a light at the end of the tunnel, or fearing the worst... I am filled with happiness and purpose. This has given me a sense of belonging in the world, and in my family.

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Another, new improvement, is that I am now officially a student! I start, Foundations of Art and Design in September 2011. I have a room in a two bedroom apartment, with a girl I have yet to meet but have been in touch with for a few weeks now.
So far so good.

For now I am working and trying to focus on things with my boyfriend, making sure that we meet the goals we set, separately and as a couple ..
Its not always easy.. but this is the way it is for now.




Wishing you the best,

Monday

Today has been an odd day for me, mostly because I had an appointment early this morning, and when I got back home I crashed until noon or so. I hate doing that because I always feel like I completely wasted the day. However, I think I'm going to be fixing my sleep schedule tonight... I am sick of waking up late and feeling like crap - not wanting to do a thing.

That is my main issue at the moment. I know there are things I should and/or could be doing during the day... but I just don't put any effort towards it. I've got to change that.
For instance, I could have spent the rest of my day unpacking bags of clothes, or even doing some laundry, instead I let myself get lazy and nothing got accomplished past applying for some jobs.

Its the most annoying thing, knowing you're doing something or not doing something, and brushing it off like it doesn't matter. Not only is it a sign of laziness, its a terrible TERRIBLE habit to be in - I mean, we all do it now and then... but I'm far past the now and then. Its time I changed this lifestyle I have gotten stuck in.


Anyways, I am going to go do the dishes and make some dinner - first step towards breaking my terrible habit.

At some point I need to bring out the garbage too.. hmmm.

Brick by Boring Brick... (Paramore)

Its been a long day today. Actually, a long week to be honest. It seems like its been the busiest week in my life, and it really hasn't been. I mean I've been out and about almost every day, but it really isn't anything special.

I guess over all the biggest event to impact me would have been Mondays incident. Other than that, I've just been going about my business, a few appointments, meeting friends, and just trying to get things done. A fairly normal week for me.

But for some reason I am just exhausted, like all these things are leaving me breathless and weary. Sometimes life gets that way I guess. You just find yourself so caught up in the race of life that when you finally slow down you're dying for air.

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So I've been looking at some options for going back to school, and I have found myself debating between two courses; being Practical Nursing and a Visual Arts program. After looking at the pros and cons of each, and how they would in turn affect my health, and what future benefits they may hold for me... I think that I may revise my past decision.

I really love my art, and I would SO love to finish going to art school. It would be the best experience ever, and I really think I am ready for it. So I think I am going to take the leap and just go for it.

Maybe I'll even become famous some day, haha!



I've been listening to a lot of music that reminds me of my earlier years. The music that holds some good memories. Memories like high school, and the fall.... When things in my life were fine because I didn't have to worry about the things I do now, as an adult. I love my life now, I really do.. but there are a ton of struggles I never knew about before... How did high school help prepare me for this? It didn't....

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Regina Spektor is a beautiful singer, I HIGHLY recommend listening to her song "Samson" and "Us".... or whatever song you may find interesting of hers. She is beautiful in and of herself, but her voice and the music just take me somewhere else.

It always makes me happy and always brings me good memories.

Be sure to check her out!

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I know I am kind of all over the place tonight, and I am sure you may be confused by the changes in topic one by one in this post. But its alright, I am fine... I just have a million things going through my brain right now... Its a whirlwind with piano music to accompany it.

Sometimes life gets a little hectic, but don't lose grip. You will survive.

Look how far you've come!






Anyways I'm going to say goodnight,

With the moonlight

Finding out what's just around the corner..

I have been surprisingly tired today. I can feel it in my eyes, but the rest of my body is awake and ready to do anything. It makes for a very confusing state of mind.
I didn't get much sleep last night, mostly because I didn't end up going to bed until around 4am (I know, I know its a terrible habit but I never catch myself on time), and because of my very late bed time, I didn't wake up until around 2pm, which just makes me feel guilty for missing the day!

Fortunately, my bad habits of sleeping gave way to good habits of house keeping. I finally conquered the pile of dishes that was building up. (Hurray!) And also managed to get my interview booked, and completed all before 8:00pm! So... maybe it all evens out?

My interview went so well! I was so happy. I figured I would have been nervous, or felt like a complete and total stranger, however as soon as I met the "manager" (she is a working mother, and for the position I applied for I will simply call her the manager) I felt comfortable and at ease.
We had dinner, and chatted and I helped in and out with her 2 year old daughter, who is an absolute peach! It was kind of fun.

Needless to say, I think that I will be hearing from them soon! Thus, become - casually employed as a part time babysitter/nanny.

To be honest, most people might think that its a crappy job, but I really think its the best for me right now. For all the issues I am dealing with in my health, I think this is just the kind of job I need. Some thing low key, casual and that still pays generally well. Its much better than any other job available to me at the moment, which includes working crappy hours at a call center - which in turn would cause me way too much stress and probably worsen my symptoms.

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Other than that, there really isn't much going on today. My trip with my friends was a success, no accidents - and we made great time there and back.

I've been thinking a lot about becoming more self aware, in many ways. I personally struggle with a number of different things, which have been part of my life for as long as I can remember. Recently, I made a decision to work on those issues and become a better person by doing so, but making a decision in the mind is far from making the decision to act on it.

Its tougher than I thought it would be... but I am determined to find a way to make it work. To change the way I think, and act. I know change doesn't come in a day, but it has been a long time and I seem to be stuck in the same place as I was before.
And I really don't like this place I am at. Its bitter and confusing and I know that it can cause me to hurt the people I care about the most.

So change is good, and being aware that I have to actually put effort into my words and actions is also very helpful.

I think a lot of us do that from time to time though. We say one thing, and do the other.. sometimes we don't even do that.
And its not about becoming a completely different person either, its keeping what is good about yourself, and making changes to the bad things - only to better yourself.

Anyways, just some food for thought.

You never know what you've got....

So, I woke up this morning expecting to be pumped full of ideas to write about. But I wasn't, and I was so put off by that. Usually when it comes to blogging, or writing in general I never run out of things to say.

Anyways, long story short I just left my blog alone and went to watch TV and sulk. Shortly after I went with my boyfriend to meet up with a couple friends for dinner and then a little bit of a road trip.

Unfortunately, after dinner, as we were pulling out of the parking lot we got into a little bit of a fender bender with another vehicle. Now, in my life I have only experienced one accident. It was of my own accord, driving a little too fast on a slick road. Nothing major came out of that, no injuries except to the car itself.
After that I was shaken up, and greatly disappointed in myself for not being able to save the car. (Silly isn't it?)
Needless to say, I was thankful to be alive, and very cautious with driving.

Its been close to three years since that accident. Today was a completely different experience.
I was sitting in the front passenger side, and out of no where I see a van coming towards us - quite fast, somehow our little car managed to come out with the least damage; thanks to our expert driver. - No one was injured and the car and van are both still fully functional after all is said and done.

At the initial impact of the van grazing our front end we were all a little stunned. It wasn't until we had parked safely out of the way of other vehicles and had a moment to let it all sink in that my friend who was driving, and owns the vehicle started to get upset - realizing that she had damage to her car. Myself. I came to the realization that it could have been much worse.

My first thought was thank God it isn't more serious. My following thoughts were a replay of what had happened, each replay with different outcomes... I could have been seriously hurt, or dead had anything gone a second differently. Thank God... literally, that we were all okay.

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I spent a while just dwelling on the fact that I was very much alive, but also, the things that "if it had turned out differently" I would have not been able to do, or would have wanted to do. For instance. All week I have been meaning to call my parents like, every day to say hi and chat. Unfortunately, I have been occupied by other things and still have not managed to keep my word on that. I have a perfectly good cell phone with me most of the day, and I still didn't think to use it.
- I really should work harder to keep my word on talking to the people who mean so much to me.

I also think, that I spend a lot of my time stressing about needless things, and letting the small things get to me. That is something I want to change.

Its true what the song says "You never know what you've got til its gone"... when you come close to death - even if it seems far fetched.. you realize that you're forgetting or missing a lot in life.
Don't take it all for granted.

Enjoy the sun, take pride in your accomplishments, and don't let a moment by without loving someone.

I will sleep very well in the arms of my beloved tonight.

Thank God.

The start of something new

        Its 2 in the morning, and I decided to start a blog. I started writing a small journal the other day, and I think that it would be fun, and interesting to actually have some people read it. A friend of mine said that he would be interested in reading what I wrote. So here I am, starting a blog.... at 2am.

I don't want to launch into anything heavy, or big right now because I do have an early morning tomorrow, and I'm sure that most people who start a blog, start it when they have time or effort to get into an interesting story or two before they sign out... but I just can't sleep. You'll find that is a common occurrence.

Anyways,
Welcome to Destination: No Where, I hope you find the trip mildly entertaining at times, informative at best, and mostly just a good read.

I will post again some time later today, when I have time.

For now.

 - CattiBre